Asking

So I'm about to go take my shower, but since I'm not going to be back on anytime again today, I thought I'd do one more update of 2004. Yeah baby!

What's going to be going on in 2005:
*18th bday!
*Graduation
*Scholarship Auditions
*STAMLP Ecumenical service (ahh!)
*Going to college
*Everything Senior year
*My first Iowa winter
*And so much more!!!

I realized today that I don't have anyone to kiss at midnight. Isn't that a tradition or something? I've never done it in the past, but I realized today that I don't have anyone and I'm kinda bummed about it. But hey, only nine more months until college boys... *sigh*

Anyone?

So my plans for the day, starting right when I finish typing this and get off the computer:
*Eat breakfast
*Change/get ready
*Go to Ikea :)
*Lunch (God, but I crave a Big Mac right now)
*Shower, pack
*Go to Korey's for NYE madness party fun

And somewhere in there do my mad homework and finish my scholarship stuff that has to be sent by 5 for one, and midnight I guess for the rest. Blah.

( Korey's 3 meme thing that I haven't done yet )

So I'm randomly looking at journals and commenting. Yeah, I'm that bored. Wow.

( And I stole this 2004 quiz thingie )

So I'm in a really pessimistic mood right now. What's that? I've been in a pessimistic mood for a while now? Naw... can't be...

Anyhow...

No one loves me. I mean, yeah, people love me. But no one loves me like like likes me. Or, if they do, they're keeping quiet about it and ruining my self-esteem which is, in fact, hurting me, which goes opposite of what it means to love me. And sure, you can reply to this and be all like, "I love you Amanda!" But what I'm in the mood for right now is romance love. Significant Other love. Doesn't have to be true love. Hell, it doesn't even have to be love. It can just be significant like. Or just a hey, you're sexy. I don't feel too sexy right now, 'cause I need a shower. But I'd like to be called sexy once in awhile. I feel very teenagery, wanting someone to go out with, cuddle with when it's cold, make snowmen and have snowball fights with (if there were actually any snow). And I mean, most of that I can do with my friends and stuff, but I want an exclusive Other. Does that make sense? Am I being too shallow? Wah.

Oh. My. God. and What. The. Hell.

I mean, really, is it that hard to write an email and hit the send button? You wouldn't think so, but I have seven people I am waiting for emails from. Have been waiting. Will continually be waiting. Some of them, I know they don't often check/respond to their email, or I have my doubts about whether the email addy I used was one they still check (Lauren, VB). Others are probably waiting for an email from me (Pr Dana). One I only just told I needed them to email me, so it's okay (Mary Beth). But the last two(ish) have no excuse (Darcy, Bill, PJish). I mean, okay, maybe he (Bill) is trying to think of some meaningful, good answer. (Or maybe he just hasn't gotten the email yet.) But there comes a time when the need for a meaningful answer is outweighed by the need for an answer, any answer. (I feel like I've posted this rant before...?)

Okay, so maybe they're all on vacation or whatever. Or maybe my email is broken and I can't receive/send. But I really depend on email. Really really. If my email is broken, then I have no way of talking to MPJ. (I couldn't go a whole entry without bringing that up, come on now.)

Alright, I'm going to go and I'll probably have to backdate this because my computer is crap, but whatever, you're reading this when you're reading it, right? Right.

So I'm updating real quick while Erika and Korey and Karen finish watching the commentary on "Once More With Feeling" (Buffy episode). We saw the episode minus the commentary and then watched it with the commentary. So I'm thoroughly Buffy-ed out.

And I'm checking my email and stuff. Only I haven't got any email. The last email I got (non-spam) was I think someone's post to one oif my entries. The last non-LJ email I got was a week ago Saturday. Yeah. Long time. Blblblblbl. Also wah.

But MPJ did reply to my email, just not in email. When I hugged her the last time, she said we'd have our talk in January sometime. So yeah, January second, I'll be emailing her. "After the first of the year" right? Yeah... I know, I'm lame, I'm pathetic. But hey, I haven't cried today. At least, not really crying.

I went to the dentist today. I was all excited because I thought they were going to make my jaw stop hurting like it does ('cause I got my wisdom teeth out in what, October, but my jaw still hurts like it was just recently.) But no, not only do I get the mean lady (I used to get the really nice one, she was cool), but the dentist just said that I should wait more to see if it gets better and if it starts to hurt worse I should have mom call. Um, hello? It is hurting worse, hence I'm telling them that it's hurting worse than before. Duh! URGH it makes me so mad. Yeah and that mean lady has something against gums. Okay, so maybe it's my fault that they're sore, 'cause I didn't shove my brush into the socket and make it bleed to make sure I got all the plaque out. But that doesn't mean she has to shove her pointy stick into it and make it really bleed. And she gave me some special extra small headed brush to shove back there. Obviously, if I needed the special brush then I couldn't have done it before so it wasn't my fault, right? URGH!

What else? I talked to Chelsea the other day. From band camp. We were talking about auditions, and I asked if it was going to be cold. And she said that if -25 wind chill was cold, then it will be brutal. Why am I going to IA in January again? Oh yes, that's right, because I'm freaking insane. Also I love Wartburg.

I don't have a picture of MPJ. Not a good one at least. Even though I don't take pictures all that often, I love having pictures. Especially pictures of Real Smiles. Not those cheesy fake things people put on when they're smiling for a camera. The real smiles, when they're laughing. For graduation I think mom is planning (or was considering maybe planning) getting me a photo album with pictures of all my favorite places and people and such, so that when I'm homesick I can flip through it. I really want that. Heh, I've even begun working on a list of places/people that I want in it.

How can you miss someone that hasn't been gone any longer than normal? I would usually only see MPJ once a week, sometimes less. So how come it's been only one day and I'm missing her like mad? Yeah, I know, because I know that it's going to be 23 days until I see her again, and then God only knows how long after that.

Also, I'm on another boy kick. So who wants to go to the mall in teenagery clothes and find guys? Anyone? *sigh*

Oh, and Erika and I got into the Variety Show.

What do I do when I'm sad? I mean, crying is all well and good, and I guess it makes me feel better, at the moment, but it's not exactly a good long-run fixing thing deal. Or is it? I mean, I'm trying to find "coping mechanisms" to deal and all... you know, away from what Used To Be. But I'm not exactly finding them. I'm not giving up and reverting, I'm just wondering if anyone has any good insights on what to do.

Alright, this really has been a long enough ramble. I'm off to bigger and better things...

Also, I wish I could find my locket.

It was every bit as hard as I thought it would be. And then some. And I don't know what to do right now, because I just woke up from sleeping since I got home, and I'm really depressed and such. And normally, if I were this upset about something I'd consider calling her, I probably wouldn't, but I'd consider it, and thinkg about how it would go, and I would feel better. (Yes, just from that.) Or I'd email her. But I can't do any of that right now, because, well, it's her. And I could call Darcy or someone like that, but really, what would I say? If it were her, I could just say "I'm sad. X happened." And I guess I could call up someone else, but I don't think that'd work so well. Maybe, I dunno.

When I left today, after saying goodbye I drove around one of my earlyloops (for when I get to church too early and have to drive around) twice. (It was the long one.) Intending to go back in and ask for my "one last hug" (Longish story) and the second time (the first I wimped out) I saw that she was out at her car and I pulled in and she and Miss Lorraine were asking if I was okay, and I said that I was fine and I asked for one last hug. And she laughed and gave me one (she gives the bestest hugs ever) and said that I had made her day. And then she gave me another ang I went home.

Miss Lorraine made me promise not to leave too. So I won't.

Also, I cried during her goodbye sermon. And was not the only one.

I'm going to miss her.

I already miss her.

I've changed my mind. I don't care about going out to lunch. I just want a hug from her for my birthday. (Spending time would really really really good too.) But a hug, a hug. She gives the best hugs.

And now back to being a cheery daughter to my other family. 'Cause she's my mom too. She loves that I call her that. At least, I think she does.

Oh, my Mommy Pastor JMe, what am I going to do without you?